140310

here i am , down on my knees , beside my bed , and all i can think about is death , oh lord . visions of my past flashing before my eyes . i've never really believed in eu all my life . i was never faithful enough to eu . but , if eu were really there , wld eu help me ? forgive all my sins , and save me from drowning in the ocean of sorrow ? i feel alone , helpless , and stupid . unworthy . pathetic . i'm sorry , for all tht i have done . save me , heal me . i'm repenting for all my sins now , this torturous demon inside me , its killing me . i never thought it would come to this .

do eu really hate me so much ? a daily necessity - eating , and its just so hard . it hurts , so bad . there's a voice stuck in my head . its telling me things . lots of things abt myself . hearing tht voice , i hurt deep inside all the time . because , dear god , tht voice is telling me the truth . i'm fat , i'm ugly , i'm worthless . it orders me around all the time . it tells me wat to do . every step i take is being controlled by tht little voice inside me . take me away , like eu did to him . take me wherever eu took him to . the one person i remember ever loving , from the time of my first cry , was him . i miss him so badly . i know , it has been many years . but i can never forget , looking into his sad grey eyes , and feeling his pain , both physical , and emotional . all i an hope for , is little more , dear god , pls take care of him . show him happiness and love . i pray now , take me away , to wherever eu may be with him . away from all this pain , i keep getting hurt over and over again . its not really abt the people around me . its abt me , myself , and i . i'm standing on the edge , of sanity , one more step , and i'll fall , down into the clutches of insanity . the darkness is all around now , just waiting for me . i'll hold on , as tight as i can .


so from 4 , i've gone to 8 . just abt , 15 minutes ago ? i feel like ; shit . dont know the plans for tmr , well , we shall see then ..